Tired

Smiles have been replaced with dark circles and tears. I don't understand. YOU called me here...YOU created in me this desire. I don't understand. Please help me.
It feels so surreal. Like I'm standing outside myself watching it all happen. Most of the time I don't even acknowledge it's happening, i think that if i keep living my life like I'm suppossed to do, this nightmare will go away.
That this sickening grip will release it's hold on me. I will feel whole again. Instead of lost.
A few short days ago my biggest fear was what to buy for Christmas presents. Now I'm faced with loosing my home for the past two and half years, my college family and how they have minstered to my heart, my job, my own family, family desires and traditions. God. WHY?
She kneels besides her grandmother's wheelchair and hot black tears fall as she tells her grandmother how scared she is...she weeps. Her grandmothers warms hands embrace her as her own eyes tear up-she never wanted to make her grandmother cry. This was her dream, to accomplish what her grandmother hadn't had the chance to finish. But she won't get to. She has to go for now, and as she walks away it nearly tears her apart to leave her.
Are you using this to build our faith? Were we just not getting it? Were our hearts not open to you enough...were we not listening to you enough? Do you plan to use us else where? WHY father?
God, I feel less than i was made to be....I feel so helpless. I hate that my smiles have been turned to tears. I hate that I'm hurting those around me. I'm tired of hurting. I'm so tired of saying goodbye. I'm tired of not knowing what to feel. I'm tired of not knowing why. I'm tired of seeing my college family hurting. Father..We are tired.
But I guess now we get a glimpse of what your Son felt.