Walking through the empty building she catches a glimpse of her reflection in a passing window. Staring back at her blackened eyes she wishes she had taken off her makeup the night before. "You know, you age twice as fast if you don't wash of your makeup before going to bed..." they would always say. Then when she would say 'they' her present company would always demand to know who 'they' were. How the hell was she supposed to know...did it really matter who 'they' were? The argument just seemed meaningless. Walking through the desolate building that once occupied friends she realizes that many people are in church right now...probably where she should be. But for some reason she just couldn't seem to put up a face this morning. Shouldn't have been hard to do...seeing as so many people these days are living behind a masquerade.
She had been called here...but for so many reasons she felt like she didn't belong. Not just here, but everywhere. And the room that she returns to at night is no consolation. It's only a reminder of how alone she is.
Some days its like a prison, she is cooped up in here. Sure..she can wander into the outside...but for what? for who? On some level she believes she has given up...but on others she is waiting to be noticed. When she is, she is fascinated by the faith found in other souls.
At one time she thought she had direction, she thought she knew where her life was headed. But now it appears to have been only a mere confusion in her thoughts. Not a day goes by when she questions what road is supposed to be laid out for her next. She is sure of one thing, she wants direction.Just looking at her you wouldn't guess, but it hasn't always been like this. At one time she had been on fire...she had had a moment. A moment in the sun that belonged to only her. She felt she was living for something and no one could tear her down.
She never wanted to loose that fire...let alone the spark that ignited in her soul. At one time she had felt invincible in what she done, in what she believed.
Now she is peering over the wall of indifference. Wishing that she could get excited about just one thing in her life. Wishing that some emotion, something other than this looming dolefulness would come and consume her.
Sometimes the place she goes is so dark and deep..she doesn't understand how anyone would want to grab for her hand and put her across this wall that pervades her life. It would appear that her fears have saturated her thoughts...making any spark of anything impossible.
She speaks with her eyes...she doesn't say much these days-but if she looks your direction-you just know. Her eyes are pleading with you and are full of expression just screaming to get out. Constantly searching for direction.
The thought of hope shining through however arouses her senses. Having another moment that is all her own. A moment that when she shines,she stands out among the crowd. And one day is able to do what she thought she couldn't do.
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