Trees

The tops of the trees are violently tossed about by the wind, the golden sun radiates on their beauty. Two sparrows dance on the breeze like two star-crossed lovers tossed about by their torment. With sharp sapphire eyes and short golden locks, she beckons. Innocently she dances on warm pavement, free to feel the sweet air careen across her skin. With exuberant laughter she falls against the old alabaster building, basking in the stillness of the day. White clovers surrounding her, she watches the jets dance around each other in the sky, as they leave a trail.
Dark clouds start rolling in, a cool brush of wind sends chills up her spine. The air smells damp and feels enticing. Running barefoot up the cool concrete stairs, anticipation builds- Threatening to come out in screeches of pure excitement. With each step she frolics, feeling more and more like a child lost in the simplistic joy of it all. She dances up and down the piazza, protected from the falling rain. She wakes up to the beauty of a misty morning. Icy fog encamping her home. With a cup of warm cider, she stands in the door way of her small apartment and thinks, ‘how lucky am I?’

Gram's Hands & Greatest Gifts

Gram's Hands

Gram’s hands speak of warmth
So soft-my eyes, sorrow lade
When the love has left.



Greatest Gifts

Rolling hills are blanketed with lush green grass, the fields are like that of a quilt with patches of corn and soybeans sewn in with care. The full expanse of the blue skies kisses the tops of the trees. Dirt roads hold a promise of isolation from everything. Rich black dirt is soft among your fingers. Cattle and horses decorate the fields like checkers on a checker board. White puffy clouds are like cotton candy. At a young age, my grandmother taught me to look out the window and to see what I could see. Helping me notice God's creations is the best gift I've ever been given.

An empty Home

An empty home is like a body without a soul. Lifeless and empty. You walk from empty room to empty room hoping for a glimpse of life, but it’s not to be found. Light floods through to shine upon an empty vessel. Something that used to house life and light now is empty and hollow. The family goes through things like dirty rats going through garbage. Declaring what is theirs and fighting over meaningless objects. Like a church without Christ, it stands without love. The memories that you have of standing help her cook or dancing in the living room, are just that-memories. It strikes you like a cold knife, searing and painful. You look at it like a tragedy and wonder how it could happen to you. But alas child, we are all vessels living and breathing for a given precious time. While the pain you now feel is stationary-you will see the light of a new day.
Think about dancing, remember the steps dear child? Your heart floats on every note. Making sweet goodies with Gram, know the succulent taste? Remember the times when she enveloped you in her arms promising to never let go? Remember how proud of you she was? She put your photograph on her fridge. Beloved, you were there for her, taking care of her daily. Hanging on her every word-her every amount of energy. Think about the smile she got when you walked through the door.
Dear one, don’t you see? Her love is still around you. Like the touch of Christ, it isn’t something to be forgotten. As you look back on these faded photographs, don’t let your heart be troubled with the pain of knowing she’s gone. But know that she is now dancing on streets of gold, awaiting your smiling face.

Filling the Space

She sits there in the dimly lit coffee house, sipping on a chilled coffee that’s filled to the brim with creamy whipped topping. Soft cinnamon colored pin curls barely touching the collar of her brightly colored wool sweater. Melodic sounds of Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgereld fill the silence. From the outside she looks inviting. Someone you might want get to know. Cheeks rosy pink, a smile that goes on for miles and a kindness that is welcoming. But on the inside she wonders how she’s fooled so many people for so long. Because on the inside she is nothing but a hollow shell. She’s completely empty…and doesn’t know why. Slowly she’s become apathetic and lethargic towards life. She desires to be who she sees on the outside. A woman whose confident of herself and can smile with meaning.
As Louie croons on she allows her senses to be immersed in the atmosphere. She lets herself feel beautiful, to not have a care in the world. No deadlines, no day to day duties-just one ongoing night filled with magic and ecstasy. She closes her eyes and she’s whisked on to the floor and is as elegant as Grace Kelly. Following the steps of a seemingly nameless face, she just melts. Glides.
Walking the streets of New York, her form fitting pencil skirt teases her legs. Her baby doll stiletto’s hit and miss the puddles as the rain comes falling down. The street lights come on and light her path.
Finally she’s home, a snug one room apartment. She throws on a record and hops in the shower. She wails along with the music…no judgement, no leering glances-just music. She can be herself and just allow the music to flow. She lets go finally and is vulnerable. Something she’d never dare let anyone see. Smile has faded and tears have taken their place.

Hope

She nestles herself in amongst the leaves…trying disappear. She feels like everyone is watching all the time and for that she doesn’t get a moments rest. So for now she will disappear and try to find the beauty in this place. A place that has taken her so far from those she loves and knows. The leaves entrap her…a popping crimson color among the lifeless grass. Beneath the feet are dull colored stones, laying like shattered glass. The air is cool and most of the trees are bare. Others stand straight and tall like a guard-standing duty over a mighty fortress. The trees give way to the entrance of the gate, turquoise yet pale in color. The birds are everywhere, chattering the day away…its almost as if their conversation was of some great importance. They flutter and dance in among the branches adding a bit of livelihood to ones day. The skies are gray and dismal…but the sunsets are a slash of heavenly color spilling out across the expanse of the sky. The colors so rich and vivid…like sirens calling out to you…. luring you in.
You accept the invitation and seek to know more. Just inside the mighty walls of the crème colored fortress are pathways leading to a magnificent fountain. The marble tiles tell of a story yet unheard. Around the corner come beautiful archways detailed in great beauty. Indistinct chatter tempts to pull her away, but she sees that it is nothing but mere complaints, they fall on deaf ears. Instead she turns her attention to the beautiful bells coming from across the way. “Ding ding dong” they seem to play a melodic tune, a hymn of sorts. Of course her description is obviously a far cry from the beauty of the sounds. It reminds her of a study of literature she once immersed herself in… “The bells the bells the bells” seemed to beckon in her mind like a broken record doomed to skip for all eternity.
Finally she makes her way to her destination. She decided since her first day here that this was going to be one of her favorite places. It wasn’t anything familiar but it had a sense of peacefulness to it. Something she has been craving for a very long time. A corner room, warm musty air seemed to engulf her almost immediately. She cranks open a window and allows the pouring sunshine to seep through. The sunshine falls on wooden floors and a desk nestled behind stacks of books yearning to be found. But few times has this getaway been found and there she finds her inspiration.

Jaded

Your jaded and your tired. Exhausted and worn out. Wishing that it was just spelled out for you. Your sick of this whole scene. Each morning feels the same and to no avail does it change. You don't see a point in it all anymore. For once a upon a time you had reason in your life, something worth living for. You saw the the tears and hurt, and it reminded you of yourself. That gave you something to strive for-you were useful again. The tears were made into smiles and laughter, and that fueled your day. You sought after that with everything that you were...and then some. Growing up you didn't want to be the one put in charge, the person who only saw the tears. But now you long to be needed again. To be the example that was so loving to you. You want to be the arms that held you when you hurt so.
But here you are, stuck in this pit...your not sure how you got there to begin with. You've come to loathe everything about where you've come to be.
No one would even know, but that isn't the real you. For once you had such an aura, vibrancy for life. You saw your path and you took it. The soft breeze and the glow of it all held for you a certain trance...a fascination of the mind.
The simplest of adversity leaves you feeling colorless and searching for hope. Alas child, see the new day dawning. The rising sun that sears across the morning sky. You have something to live for.
You haven't lost your hope, just be patient. You will find your way.

Essence of Love

He was incorrigible. She had expressed to Him profusely how she didn't deserve His love and yet He was hopeless...He turned a deaf ear upon her complaints. She didn't feel worthy, as she had failed so many times. Yet each time He smothered her with the love of the world.
She would look across the vastness of the plain and feel incredibly lost and alone. With a soft hand He pulled her chin up only to catch the tears falling from her face. Embracing her with words of peace and love, He turned her attention to the night sky. The warm sun setting on a cool pond as soft pastels intermingle. One by one He points out glimmering stars that seem to be placed there just for her. They shine and stand out just as she hopes to.
A soft breeze dances on her skin and she realizes finally He isn't going anywhere.
Yet there were times when she still felt unworthy...times when she just didn't care anymore and in the darkest depths of not caring is when she felt most guilty.
Somehow He seemed to find her each and every time in the same muck and pull her up upon a Rock. He makes her whole and pure, and gives her strength for the day. He loves her and gives her peace and strength to face her biggest fears. And no matter how hopeless she always feels, He always has strength to hold her tight in His arms. He encourages and gives her hope. A new purpose each and every day.
He didn't rely on worldly definitions, passions of the flesh or even witty banter...He was himself. He far exceeded any pure, imaginable thought. He was perfect. He loved her beyond any comprehension she had of love. He clothed her in peace and tranquility and let her be herself. Yet through all this freedom He saw what she had to offer, the possibilities that lay before her-more so than anyone had ever seen.
Perhaps being incorrigible wasn't a bad quality of him, because in it He has shown her the very essence of love.
There is this sense of being mesmerized by your child when it's first laid in your arms, HE was her Father, her Creator, her Everything- and yet she was the one who was mesmerized.

Tired

Smiles have been replaced with dark circles and tears. I don't understand. YOU called me here...YOU created in me this desire. I don't understand. Please help me.
It feels so surreal. Like I'm standing outside myself watching it all happen. Most of the time I don't even acknowledge it's happening, i think that if i keep living my life like I'm suppossed to do, this nightmare will go away.
That this sickening grip will release it's hold on me. I will feel whole again. Instead of lost.
A few short days ago my biggest fear was what to buy for Christmas presents. Now I'm faced with loosing my home for the past two and half years, my college family and how they have minstered to my heart, my job, my own family, family desires and traditions. God. WHY?
She kneels besides her grandmother's wheelchair and hot black tears fall as she tells her grandmother how scared she is...she weeps. Her grandmothers warms hands embrace her as her own eyes tear up-she never wanted to make her grandmother cry. This was her dream, to accomplish what her grandmother hadn't had the chance to finish. But she won't get to. She has to go for now, and as she walks away it nearly tears her apart to leave her.
Are you using this to build our faith? Were we just not getting it? Were our hearts not open to you enough...were we not listening to you enough? Do you plan to use us else where? WHY father?
God, I feel less than i was made to be....I feel so helpless. I hate that my smiles have been turned to tears. I hate that I'm hurting those around me. I'm tired of hurting. I'm so tired of saying goodbye. I'm tired of not knowing what to feel. I'm tired of not knowing why. I'm tired of seeing my college family hurting. Father..We are tired.
But I guess now we get a glimpse of what your Son felt.

You

We were thick as theives...you and me. I never thought the day I said goodbye, i would be loosing my best friend. I've played it over and over in my head, things i could have said...things that shouldn't have been said-but the outcome is still the same. I'm still here and your far away. You've moved on and so have i....but i miss my friend. We would stay up all night talking...dreaming. You were the one who understood me...who seen it all first hand. When i cry myself to sleep I don't have to explain to you how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it-becusase you were there...you know me. Your memory haunts me like a ghost...the smallest things tear me apart. I don't regret the decision i made...i just...i miss my friend. You know where i come from....the places i wanted to escape to. You were the first to witness my heart...my desires and aspirations. You were the one i could look stupid in front of...i wasn't worried because before long you were joining in with me. You were the one i went to when my world was falling apart...you knew just what to say...or just how to shutup when i needed you to listen.
Sometimes it's hard to face reality knowing your not in my life anymore....do you ever feel the same? Or is your life full and complete. Do you wake up knowing your purpose or do you constantly feel an empty void? Do you ever miss me?
Your family...who at one time were more or less mine, now don't know how to act around me...what to say. I never thought I'd ever feel this way. It would be you and I taking on the world. I had a dream last night. You were there and it was real. I told you how much i missed you and wished you were still here....and you just knew. it was so real i didn't want to wake up. To be able to call you friend again was such an indescrible feeling. It felt like a homecoming. To have you in my life again. I'm glad God gave us the time we had together...but wish I wouldn't have wasted what He gave us. A part of me wants you to know....but in the end it doesn't matter. I love you now and forever-no matter the circumstances. My best friend.

You'll be the prince

Crimson, amber and coral tinged leaves fall around her in the cool of the day. Creating an almost fascinating antique site. Loose auburn ringlets frame her face..falling on her bare shoulders. Her body is adorned with ivory lace and beads...snugly highlighting her every curve. She feels like a princess...elegant and noble. Beneath her dress, no one would know she's barefoot...feeling the coolness of the ground beneath her feet. She's taking in the whole experience because this is the day she has thought of since she was a little girl. For once in her life she feels beautiful....captivating almost. The setting sun is falling, warming her. The sky is full of beautiful oranges, reds and yellows...with hints of pink. A beautiful harvest wedding.
The wind lightly whispers, kissing her skin. Violins fill the air with soft romantic melodies. Everyone is looking at her with happiness in their faces. They are proud of her. She notices their presence but don't see them. All she sees is him. Her love. In her dreams he never really had a face...but an image. He was her prince charming. The one who would love her and take all her pain away. When she looked at him she felt at home...a feeling so scarcely felt these days. He was the mere essence of love. He was the one who captivated her thoughts...the one she couldn't ever wait to see. He made her feel beautiful and always helped her find herself. Now she's looking at him and can't believe he is her future....she is so blessed.

Chasing Dreams

Laying there in the early dim of the day, she chases dreams. In her mind, she can see her. A beautiful woman with salt and pepper hair and a smile so lush and full you would think it never ended. She, in a lot of aspects, dreams of her the way she remembers her…not the way she is now. With a blank stare and eyes pleading with you to take away the pain. But for some reason she is still confined to this wheel chair…this thing the girl has come to loath. She sits there in a red and blue night gown. The gown is full of sail boats….each going on their own separate voyage. Searching for adventure. In reality, the gown, before it had seemingly found its way to the trash heap, had been tattered and well worn. Like a blanket to a young child, this night gown was the womans favorite nighty. But in her dream this gown was perfect…..like the way she envisions this lady. Sure it had seen it’s day and it’s now worn…..but in retrospect, in her eyes she would always be perfect.
She sees her and runs towards her like her life depends on it…in a way it does. She rushes towards her latching on to her not wanting to ever let go. They both shed tears. She can feel her warm hands embracing her….hands that when she was a kid were so warm to hold on to during a prayer. Right before the prayer was over she would squeeze your hand as if to say “I’m glad you’re here child, you mean the world to me.” Now her hands are cold and she can’t figure why. So she resorts to dreams to keep it alive, so when she goes to visit her, she doesn’t let her down. So that she can smile the whole time and let her know she isn’t alone. She is still needed.
Now the girl hears about days filled with checkers, bingo and visting churches. It seems roles have been reversed. This beautiful lady that sits here in this drab place used to watch with gleaming eyes as the young girl would dress up and dance to Lawerence Welk. She was the care giver……it isn’t supposed to be like this-she is STILL needed! Why does she feel like she is talking to the wind?
She wakes up…chest heaving. Not wanting to leave her chosen reality, but in awe of how real the dream was. She’s confused.
She recalls talking to her on the phone, just the night before. The one statement that stuck to her the most from the call and the dream….
“I love you soo much dear.” My grandmother said, nearly bringing me to tears.

Interrupted Thoughts of a Melodramatic Existence

Anxiety fills her. Like always. Small confined places never left her with any peace at all. She sits here, words rushing through her mind. Thoughts she can hardly contain. This is the last place she wants to be...the fact that she can write freely seems to be of little consolation at the moment.
She speaks when spoken to and never speaks out of turn. She is constant search of how to help. No one has ever expected her to be mad..or frustrated or even a trifle brash. It would be contrary from her nature..from what they have seen at least.
He walks in, unbeknown to her presence. But she notices him. Suddenly a feeling of uneasiness settles among her. 'Oh this is juvenile' she thinks to herself...nothing has changed in the last few seconds she has sat here wasting away her life. Except him. She doesn't even know him....and it's doubtful he is aware of her existence. What's the big deal. Her cheeks are flushed...radiating with heat. She realizes she is fidgeting, messing with her hair and has found it almost impossible to sit still. What is her problem?
Rantings of a hopeful integrity are like flashes in the night. Something she might of said to him-perhaps in passing...she isn't sure now. All that pervades her mind is the unambiguous grin that marked his face as she spoke. As if to say, "wow....I didn't know women like you existed." How amazingly ignorant does that sound? She is sitting here in a room absolutely full of stories and she herself cannot even get her own words in order long enough to spew them on a page.
It's not even as if he is God's gift to women...let alone her. On many occasion she has found herself annoyed with his infantile behavior. And yet some how he seems to get to her...under her skin. In the mornings she finds herself taking a double take in the mirror and at loss for words whenever he looks her way.
It seems to her that whenever she gets this way she looses any hope of knowledge she might have had and just becomes a babbling idiot.
She is constantly reminded of the lack of time she has these days and realizes this little tale must come to a close for now. Perhaps in the future her words will be more thought out and less chaotic. One could only hope.

Too Late

Hot tears full of makeup fall off her face as she falls to her knees. It never failed this was one place that always was witness to her raw emotion. She couldn't help it..something about this place screamed safe. solace. surrender. On her lips always was forgiveness, love, compassion. But what she really wanted to say was it was too late to apologize. Not that he ever would-but that's what she really wanted to say to him. She wants to hurt him with her words like he hurt her.But she won't. She never would-she would always give him the benefit of the doubt...it was just the person she was.
"I'm so over it" she thinks to herself...but then it catches up with her. The lewd glances...the disgusting comments. What kind of coward would do that to his baby girl. The fear. Uncertainty for tomorrow. feeling sick.
He never seemed to answer her one simple question, why? It was as if it was too hard for him to even fathom. She thinks to herself, he's never faced hard obstacles. He isn't dealing with what she has to deal with on a daily basis-if he knew then he would have never treated her like that. Like something to walk on...like just because she was his little girl that he could.
It took an eternity for her to get past the fact that he wouldn't even confess that he hurt her. But she's over it. At least on her way there.
She's got arms reaching out to her from everywhere...desiring to help. calling out to her. Showing her a real FATHERS love. What it means to be loved and cared for. Sure she still hurts....still feels sick-but now she isn't alone-for once.
She can't stay silent anymore. As embarrassing and hard as it is...the words just seem to fall out of her mouth. She tries to catch them...but you can't take them back once they are out. And in alot of aspects she is releaved they are out....this load she has been carrying isn't hers alone anymore.
And where is he you might ask? Standing alone...sinking into a dark locale...a place that goes no where. Loosing a daughter-and never once knowing what he could have had....not caring. Still hurting. Even if they could reach some comity of some sort...that would be nice. That's not possible...
She sees his intentions from a distance. She won't allow him to hurt her anymore. She consumes herself with Love Letter that speak of a new kind of love. a Perfect Love. For far too long she has shut out the only Father that really mattered.
But she won't anymore. Even though waves of apprehension seem to fill her and bring her to tears...she will live out her faith so that maybe one day she will believe it's there. She will sallow the lump in her throat and ignore the butterflies in the pit of her stomach. She will push forward because she knows she was created for so much more than this.

Jazzy Notes of Beale Street

The night air was sticky and thick as she peeled her baby doll tee away from her flushed skin. The locals seemed to be oblivious to the humidity...and as she started to let herself go-she did too.
Stepping off two concrete steps, she finds herself stepping into a place she has never been before...a place that seems to draw her in almost immediately.
The sky is a darkened blue, evening has set and the lights of Beale St. light up everywhere. Like a hermit to its shell, life slowly starts to pour out into this street celebration. Trying to understand it...reason it, she wonders why so much celebration on just a normal day. Until she realizes that she is reasoning too much and not letting herself experience this event.
So here we are again, the lights on Beale St. are all aglow...and night life has just begun. The idea of a night life is almost forien to her. The closest thing she has ever had to a night life is the rustle of the wind and the song of the crickets.
Every shop known to man is open on this one street, and everyone seems to get along....for once. Everything here eludes to the fact that the King had been here...
As she presses her nose up to the glass of a down town pub, she can see happiness...weather it be genuine or not. Everyone is immersing themselves in the latest karaoke song and getting intoxicated.....perhaps the ale?
Next door a woman gets her companions name inked upon her breast....a mistake? She would find out soon enough.
Some of the locals entertain passing crowds with stunts...had you not known you would think this was some sort of special event rather than a daily occerence.
And around the corner, out of a near by building pours the sensual soft sounds of a sax. the jazzy notes seem to relax her....yet engage her...leave her wanting more.
Searching for the notes...she wants to find the source of the captivating sounds. It screams of just a moment away...tieing together the whole scene. Finally she gives up...allowing what she can hear be enough. She's thankful.
Closing her eyes she allows the notes of Beale St. to pervade her mind and be the only thought that consumes her.
The notes seem to fill everything that she is and gives her a new appreciation for music...real music.
She doesn't know if she will ever be back here....or even if she will get to experience this same thing-but she knows she will never forget the notes.

Waiting

She cries. and with every suffocating breath gasps for air. Sounds like some dark interlude to a horror flick doesnt it? Nope, just her life.
She hurts. She cries. But takes it as it comes. Now it's just built up too much. She screams but no one seems to hear. She's mad as hell, but no one seems to see. "Just get over it" they say. It will all look better in the morning she's been told. But she has spent a lifetime trying to read them...figure out their thoughts. Now she is sick of it. Tired. Wanting and searching for that one person who knows where she has been, is hurting just like she is-so maybe just maybe she isn't going this dreadful horrible road alone. Sure HE is the Ultimate....but even HE needed the love of a friend.....Even HE cried out. Apparently the struggle has become invisible....or possibly to ugly for them to acknowledge.
He is refuses to admit he hurt her...and she is obvious to the fact that she hurt her girl....and so it keeps going.
They say time heals everything....but she is still waiting. She has paid a price by being there for everyone...and she will keep paying...even if they use her.
The glances...the crude remarks.....the all too familiar "you are making too much out of it" "don't think about it so much and it won't be such a deal to you overcome."........why does she expect more...or anything different? They have turned their back on her...refused to see the ugliness of the situation....told her to suck it up....and rebuild...be the bigger person they say. So that is what she has done....and continues to do so. But now is tired....wishing for just a moment she didn't have to be the responsible one...the one with everything to overcome...the one who has to care...the one who everything little thing hits...Somedays she has just felt like giving up-not giving a crap anymore..and today is one of those days. And with every command she feels the strain of invisible arms holding her down...pulling her in every direction but the one that will set her free. The bow hits the violin pulling the strings back and fourth...killing the silence. She can feel everything that she is scream. She is sick of the lack of understanding. Sick of feeling alone. She isn't sure where to go from here. What to think from here. She feels tainted. Used. Mislead. not good enough. and not all of it obviously is pending on the past...somehow it has crept through her smile into her present life. And like some plague, it slowly devours her.
She can't breathe....
They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Slow Dancing in the Living room

Sweet, succulent smells pervade the air...until there is nothing left to take in but the desirable aroma. A subtle glow from near by candles touches the room with a feeling of home. The flames flicker and dance atop the crimson candle like the bare feet couple who embrace each other in the living room. His hand finds the small of her back and holds her close, making her feel secure. She finds his hand and holds it close to her body as he leads the way. They sway to the music as the sound of the sax so beautifully fills the tiny room. Her cotton gown sways with the curve of her body as she allows herself to get lost in his eyes. Eyes that say so much with just a stare. Her body conforms to him as they dance closer. The wooden floor creeks beneath their feet only adding to the moment. When the dance that they do so well had started, he had taken her hand like so many times before. Offered his hand to her...offering that he would be there with her. Willingly she placed her hand in his and they danced. His embrace promises to never let her go...to always keep her safe. In some way he finds her intoxicating, but has never been able to put his finger on it. Weather it is her laughter, the old familiar gleam in her eyes that seem to say she understands him or even the way she seems to fit when he holds her. He finds himself at a loss for words whenever his glance seems to cross her path.
Soft tresses fall upon her shoulders as he brushes them out of her face, and he finds to be her smiling...glowing.
Outside the busyiness of the day seems to still clamor away, but inside the feel is that of a tranquil getaway as they slow dance in their living room.

Blue eyes and Butterflies

Blue eyes and Butterflies...
Used to kill her all the time....
It's been awhile and now she realizes she wasn't ready for this
He looks at her and kills her right where she stands.
But the more they talk, she sees he's changed.
He isn't the same as before....
He doesn't sound the same....only his eyes...
But she is hit with the reality that you can't spend eternity in another's eyes.
The fam is gabbin...just passing the day. Filling her head with stories and memeories...some of which they don't want to let go either. apparently.
While others are making strides in leavin her in the dust....which is where she refuses to stay. She refuses to wait. To remain jaded in a memory. Perhaps she was more prepared then she had assumed.
So she takes a step and see the way out and takes it-for once in her life.
Blue eyes and Butterflies...
Used to kill her all the time.

Rustic Signs

Walking into the dimly lit room, she instantly felt at ease. She didn't come here often, but when she did, she was like a kid in a candy store. The air was saturated with the sweet aroma of coffee. The sent was almost therapeutic. Rustic signs occupied the red brick walls, screaming of a laid back existence. She walks up to the counter and orders something delectable to appease her sweet tooth. She glances through the glass at the numerous pies that seem to beacon to her. The layered chocolate and strawberries seem to know how to tempt her all too well. After ordering her drink she recluently pulls herself away from the glass.
Plopping herself into a large black leather chair, the coziness of it seems to engulf her like a well deserved hug. Infusing herself in the atmosphere, she seems to become one with it-at ease for the first time in a long time. Finally her drink comes. A scant well inked waitress hands her her drink. "thank you" she gushes with a smile. Wrapping her hands around the chilled mug, she takes a sip and secrectly hopes that this is what heaven is made of. The whipped cream flirts with the straw as she stirs it.
"You'll really like him" her bright blue eyed friend informed. It was just her and the guys for a night on the town, the works. Another friend was performing that night. The three of them couldn't wait. No where to be, no appointments, just time. A dark haired gent took the stage. The marquee glowed overhead, setting the tone for the rest of the night. A red head with a head full of locks started to keep time on the drums...with each hit she let her emotions go-expounding into the instrument. He grabs the mic pours his soul out to the crowd. Closing his eyes he feels the beat of the drums in his heart. He makes them believe every word and leaves them wanting more. The guy next to him strums on the guitar and with every note that is let go, finds it easier to breathe. The crowd soaks up every word, every beat, every note. He continues to immerse himself in the music, as his body jumps and moves to the beat. Not caring what is seen, just basking in the moment. She stifles a giggle and turns back to look at her two friends. They stare back with similar grins.
For just a moment she is revived to see that she isn't the only one that needs to just stop and get rid of the stress. To feel like a kid again and not have a care in the world. For just a moment.

You're not a picture on my wall anymore

You're not a picture on my wall anymore. It's been tucked away in an album, closed off from the world. Only I know its there. A portirt of love, so hidden.
You used to be the light in my eyes, the 'hello' i couldn't wait for. The One.
Your the reason my knee's went weak and why i had confidence in myself. Your the arms that would embrace me when it seemed the whole world was falling apart. Your the one i see when i close my eyes. I have this image of love, that no one gets close to. Your the one who seen me at my worst and loved me more becuase of it. Your the one who knows me best and yet never walked away.
Looking through these old photographs, its hard to believe that this much time has passed and left us in different directions. You first one i shared my hopes and dreams with...the one i could look stupid in front of, and you would take it upon yourself to look stupid right along with me....or at least die laughing while trying.
I see your family...our old friends and im ok. Our song doesn't make me sad anymore....but when i hear your name and see us together...it's a lost cause.
Your the one who would stay up all hours of the night discussing the complexities of nothingness. Your the one who would get and and sing karoke with me....even when i was embarassed. You were my first love. my first kiss. my first best friend.
You were the one that could make me smile even when it hurt, even when i didn't want to.
You are the one who showed me it's ok to cry. to laugh...to live life.
You are the one who showed me the steps. You are the one i felt at home with.
In my mind, i see you standing there, a devilish grin and gleaming eyes says it all. Never a dull moment when you are around.
Now I'm looking through all these faded photographs, faded memories and realizing how much i miss my best friend. And that your not a picture on my wall anymore...

Perfect Chaos

She is surrounded by light, angelic almost. Her skin is kissed by the passing light. The breeze whispers among the trees, only a story nature would know. Her eyes seem to possess every ounce of beauty and love that seems to exist. For once she is quiet, not saying anything at all. Simply taking in the breathtaking loveliness of its entirety. The rustle of the trees clear her mind. Butterflies dance all around her on the lush afternoon air. She is reminded of generations before her, and knows that she isn't the only one to have experienced such a dream. The ground is soft beneath her feet. She makes her way down a path spotted with streaming light. The dragonfly seem to be guiding her direction and the swallow chanting her song. The pebbles beneath her feet and brightly colored and unique.
Alone, she sits experiencing love. She is consumed from every inch of her body with this feeling, this encounter. She ponders the thought that no human love could create such a vision, but could possibly flow from it.
She entertains the idea that if any more color were poured into this scene, it would overflow. The colors would mix like paint on an easel. Crashing together in perfect chaos. Only the Painter would know what is in store for them.
The trees seem to turn in toward her, embracing her, protecting her. Nothing is generic in this existence. Nothing is common or ordinary...you just have to open your eyes and see the harmony. how everything flows together. how it was meant to be. perfect chaos.

Wondering Why

He wonders why.
Why doesn't she look at me with eyes that gleam and full of love. Why doesn't she want to endlessly listen to the words I have to say....the way she used to? Why doesn’t she want me?
As he sits there contemplating the complexities of the 'whys' she looks at him, wishing he would just come and hold her. Treat her like she was a treasure to behold, rather than just another woman. She wants the romance back.
She wants to feel as if she is the only one in the room....when she is lost in a crowd. To feel beautiful. To be the woman with him. To be the only one that he directs his love and affection to. She wants to be in a room and know she is the only one he is thinking about. She wants the Cinderella story....to be whisked away.
She wants to see the tenderness of his heart, the depths of his soul. To caress him with her words.
He thinks he's gotten her-he has worked so hard for her-now he’s got his prize. That’s just it…she isn’t some trophy....but little does he realize she still needs the chase. She needs to feel wanted. She needs him to ask....to care. She wants him to pull her close and tell her he isn’t going anywhere. She needs to know that he is her friend first more than anything.
She doesn't want him to look at her and think questionable things....but to look at her with eyes full of love-as if she is the only one that could ever fill the sickening void in his heart.
She wants the soft words, the charm and the loving glances.
But she doesn't see any of that in him...she sees a man who is incapable of such things....and is starting to loose hope in the rest.
Is the romance gone? Was it ever really there or was it just a figment of every girls mind. Perhaps it is really true…they give romance to get what they want. So is the little romance that does exist-is it fake? To be made felt like a lady must have just been a passing thing apparently. A kind word here, a loving embrace there.
She isn’t an object for free roaming hands, someone to listen to crude remarks, or just the maid. She is every mother, sister wife and daughter. She is a lady. A lady who is looking for true romance….for honest respect. Love.
If he ever cared enough to show interest and ask…..then she would show ten times much affection…and he wouldn’t be sitting there wondering why.

Forever and Always

Open your eyes and see me. know that i am going to be here for you...forever and always.
I will be the one standing by your side when the whole world is against you. I will be the open arms you can run to.
I will be the one to make you feel safe. I will be the one to dry your tears and tell you everything is ok. I will be your kindred spirit, the one who knows all your secrects. I'll be the light you need on a darkened day. I'll be the laughter you need when your heart is heavy. I will be the shoulder you can cry on. I will be your best friend. I'll be here waiting for you, always and forever.
I'll be the one who remiends you how amazing you are when you seem to forget. Whe the storm has become too much and you've lost your way, i will find my way to you. When the rain starts to pour and everyone else has deserted you, I will be the one left standing. I will be your rock when you can't take it anymore. The one to hold you when you feel defeated. you can run to me when troubles arise. My heart is yours and I will always be. When you feel like giving up and letting go, you can grab onto me and know your safe.
Open your eyes and see me....know that I might need you to be there for me too.....forever and always.

Stronghold

In this place time only stops for those willing to appreciate the beauty. It's not for the mere sleeper, or the faint hearted, but the one who truly knows. The one who cares.
The seeds from the cotton wood trees floated on the breeze setting the scene for what would be a magical sight. She starts to loose herself in the never-ending beauty of this enchanted place. Around every turn and in every corner is something new to seek and to love. The bird’s sonnet is a melodic air that is never the same, but always soothing.
The sun dances on her pale skin in between the shadows of the trees. It warms her soul. The air is sweet and succulent like a kiss, and if you blinked you would miss the splendor of it all.
When she comes here, she finds it easier to breathe. As if she is one with everything. She stares out into the vast stronghold, immersing herself in it. The captivating sights and sounds occupy her mind and won't let go.
Gliding on his wings, the eagle soars on a never ending sky. The pastels intermix so much that the sky overflows with beauty. Everything here seems to not have a care in the world. It's as if time stops and the loveliness of it all embraces you. Promising to never let go.

She goes back

She keeps going back. To a time and place that holds her heart. A place where she had no fears, they didn't get the best of her. She was fearless, ambitious.
She goes back to a time when life wasn't so stressful...she goes back to the people who knew love when they seen it. They took the time to show what you meant to them. She has a picture of love in her heart, one no one can touch. She closes her eyes and its right there and she is able to grab hold. Grab hold for just a few seconds and feel whole again. Feel for once that it isnt the whole world against her-she can do anything now. Striving to see that same gleam in someone's eyes again...to feel that when they look at her they know that what they hold in their sight is precious.
She goes back. Back when summer days were endless and everyone was carefree. Where even the simplest things seemed to take on a new light. When love was new and something that gave you hope. She goes back to having his arms wraped around her, and it was all she needed. The rest of the world could fall away and it wouldn't have mattered.
When love wasn't defined, it was felt. When you got up excited about the day-curious to see what was in store. She believes that days like that are ahead...you just have to look for them. She has seen too much...it won't as innocent as before-but they will be as beautiful as a radiant field of wild flowers.
Sunshine. rain. bubbles. golden locks. first time he looked at her. family around the dinner table. mischievous grin. late nights. karaoke. Gram's love. the way she felt when he noticed only her. mom's hugs. lightening bugs. wet clothes on a clothes line on a hot summer day. fragrant aroma of spring. dressup. never having to grow up....that and soo much more is her favorite state of mind.
She knows in reality she can't go back, but when she closes her eyes, she unfolds that story of love that is so dear to her heart. And in her mind she goes back to.......

So much more

She's the single mom who works to keep her babies fed. She's the woman who passes you on the sidewalk. She's the grandmother who doesn't always remember, but loves just the same. She's the girl who feels misunderstood by the world. She the person working the nine to five to just make ends meet. She's the one struggling to get an education so she exceeds in life. She's the woman by your side. Day in day out she never ceases to amaze, her strength and abilities are always increasing. She takes on more jobs than she knows what to do with, but never complains.
But sometimes she doesn't want to be seen as a mere acquaintance to everyone else...or just the girl who is with you. She has a past. A colorful one at that. She has a family...who seem pretty screwed up at times-but wouldn't miss out on a day with them for anything. She is constantly proving herself so that she makes them proud. She has hopes and dreams that are hidden down deep inside. She has fears and things she wishes never changed-and sometimes it gets the best of her. She wants you to know who she was before she came to this point in her life. She wants to tell you of who she used to be...and how she still sometimes wants to be that person. How carefree she wishes to be. She wants you to know that she isn't just this woman, she is a daughter and a granddaughter, who loves so much it hurts.
She wants you to see her passion.
She wants you to know that alot of times she has trouble combining her roles...that she isn't always sure where she belongs. Sometimes she doesn't want be known as this woman-she just wants to be able to go back for just a minute and paint for you the picture that gives her hope. She wants you to see her as so much more than this misunderstood girl or this woman trying to make ends meet.She wants you to see her life the way she sees it. She closes her eyes and it is right there, as if it is reality. But putting something so indescribale into words seems to be the ultimate challenge.
She tries, but no one seems to understand, and so she buries it down deep again and moves on, once again just being the woman with you.
She is soo much more than that.

She sees in color

The beauty of the world displays its wonderus sights in maganificant colors. Streaming down creating breathtaking patterns on our lives. But sometimes seeing such beauty isn't easy. She wants to see such beauty all the time. But the worries and hardships of life slowly take toll on her and for once in her life she is fed up with not being who she was created to be. But she isn't sure she knows how to exude the same beauty she sees everyday. She tries, she loves, she gives all that she is. But they just keep taking, not ever giving back in return and so she starts to see things with less color. There are no grey area's of life, you either do or you don't, you either will or you won't. And depending which road you take, decides weather you will find happiness in life.
She loves everyone with everything she has, but its wearing on her....sometimes she wishes she knew just where to put her time and energy so her love wouldn't be wasted.....life's not that easy.
She looks up for direction and is reminded of someone who didn't question, just loved. with everything they had. all the time.
So as hard as it is, she will stop seeing everyone in black and white and see the beauty in them-no matter how much they hurt her.
She will show them the same love and the same smile that they get from her everyday.
She will see them in color.

I think you recognized that look in my eyes

Walking through the empty building she catches a glimpse of her reflection in a passing window. Staring back at her blackened eyes she wishes she had taken off her makeup the night before. "You know, you age twice as fast if you don't wash of your makeup before going to bed..." they would always say. Then when she would say 'they' her present company would always demand to know who 'they' were. How the hell was she supposed to know...did it really matter who 'they' were? The argument just seemed meaningless. Walking through the desolate building that once occupied friends she realizes that many people are in church right now...probably where she should be. But for some reason she just couldn't seem to put up a face this morning. Shouldn't have been hard to do...seeing as so many people these days are living behind a masquerade.
She had been called here...but for so many reasons she felt like she didn't belong. Not just here, but everywhere. And the room that she returns to at night is no consolation. It's only a reminder of how alone she is.
Some days its like a prison, she is cooped up in here. Sure..she can wander into the outside...but for what? for who? On some level she believes she has given up...but on others she is waiting to be noticed. When she is, she is fascinated by the faith found in other souls.
At one time she thought she had direction, she thought she knew where her life was headed. But now it appears to have been only a mere confusion in her thoughts. Not a day goes by when she questions what road is supposed to be laid out for her next. She is sure of one thing, she wants direction.Just looking at her you wouldn't guess, but it hasn't always been like this. At one time she had been on fire...she had had a moment. A moment in the sun that belonged to only her. She felt she was living for something and no one could tear her down.
She never wanted to loose that fire...let alone the spark that ignited in her soul. At one time she had felt invincible in what she done, in what she believed.
Now she is peering over the wall of indifference. Wishing that she could get excited about just one thing in her life. Wishing that some emotion, something other than this looming dolefulness would come and consume her.
Sometimes the place she goes is so dark and deep..she doesn't understand how anyone would want to grab for her hand and put her across this wall that pervades her life. It would appear that her fears have saturated her thoughts...making any spark of anything impossible.
She speaks with her eyes...she doesn't say much these days-but if she looks your direction-you just know. Her eyes are pleading with you and are full of expression just screaming to get out. Constantly searching for direction.
The thought of hope shining through however arouses her senses. Having another moment that is all her own. A moment that when she shines,she stands out among the crowd. And one day is able to do what she thought she couldn't do.

Love still remains

The clouds roll across the darkening sky. The sun begins to set, illuminating the sky with many colors like a painter with brush in hand. The soft breeze whispers a song of tranquility among the trees. The rain falls to the ground and the sound calms your heart and soothes every hurt. The flowers flood the summer air with a fragrant aroma. The fireflies seem to be in one accord as they dance in the fresh night air. The chanting of the birds seem increasingly mesmerizing. You close your eyes and take it all in. Its good to know that some things never change. While the worries of the world are spiraling out of control, you come to this place and get captivated by its many wonders. While so much seems so feeble, all that is on your mind is how the stars are strewn across the night sky like confetti, yet each one seems to have been placed meticulously in its own spot.
In the reality of it all, nothing seems to last. Everyone is always in a rush, wanting you to concern yourself with minor details that always seem major to them. Some days its as if you are trying to hold on, but can't seem to find understanding.
But when you wake up to a new day, and the beauty of the rising sun peaks through your window, you find hope-and reason to give it all you got yet another day.
When the enchantment of each new day captures your every thought, you know that only a love so great and daring could have imagined such a sight. And that it will remain.

Mask

Drying her sopping wet hair she looks over at the clock. "Great, only twenty minutes before class." she thinks to herself. It always seemed she was pressed for time these days...never two minutes to herself.
Looking into the mirror she almost forgets to put on her face. She has a whole routine, moisturizer, foundation...the works. The guys tell her that she looks beautiful with out makeup....she thinks they are full of it. As she looks at herself she wonders how anyone could possible be attracted to her, how anyone could think she was beautiful.
"shut up and focus." she tells herself. She always got lost in thought or in a song and was always late.
Ahh, eyeliner, the final touch. It seemed to be the one thing that pulled everything together. It was almost like her safety net. As long as she looked okay on the outside, then no one would know that she was hurting on the inside. The looks, the remarks-even the stuff said behind her back-no one would know that that stuff actually cut her deep.
They wouldn't know that when she locks her door at night she falls to pieces, feeling alone and vulnerable she cries herself to sleep. Not that they cared anyway. They wouldnt ever inquire about the mask she puts on daily. No one would ever see her with her guard down.
It would be ok, she would just flash them her all too familiar smile and no one would be none the wiser. They would see that smile and they would think she was happy.
Glancing at her reflection she decides this is about as good as it will get. Grabbing her books she heads for the door and is ready to start the day.

The Back Room

Her dreams seem to haunt her like bad memeories. As she wakes up, still tired, she replays the dream in her head. She can see her home, specifically rooms in her home. The kitchen, the dining room, but more specifically the back room. Just a small room off the kitchen. It had served as type of storage room. There was a large deep freeze that grandpa had boughten Grandma.A whole cabinet full of food Gram had canned over previous summers. Sometimes the girl questioned how good that food really was. Also all of mama's boxes of stuff that really didnt get put anywhere. The carpet was old and never really got vacumned. There were two windows, the one you could see out the back yard and the other showed a constant remiender of the neighbors needed privacy, as it looked onto their wooden fence. Acouple of rocking chairs, a dresser full of various things, and no one could forget Gram's plants. Plants of every size, shape and kind. The most intresting of all the plants though was the aloe vera plant. It had always seemed to facinate her.
She couldnt for the life of her understand why, out of all the rooms that she had grown up in, why this is the room she dreampt about. She had never spent that much time in there. But the funny thing was, when she dreamed about it, it seemed almost real. When she woke up and realized that was not her reality, the girl was stuck in her emotions. It had been so real to her. From the way it looked to the way it smelled.
The girl remembers one particular time in the room. It was her eleventh birthday and her mama had gotten her, her first portable CD player and her first CD. Shania Twain. The girl took it to the back room and placed the head phones on her head and beguan to immerse herself in the music. The backroom had never had a door, that she knew of, just a doorway and acouple of blankets attached to the top. It was so hard to keep the house heated in the winter time, so mama would just keep that room seculded. With no door you wouldnt have heard anyone come in, as high as the girls music was, she wouldnt have noticed it anyways.
Getting into the music the girl start to wail away as she dances. Perhaps this is the first time she knew she wanted to sing. Oh now she was getting into it, trying to match her voice and not having a care in the world. Until she turned around.
There stands her mother, red faced and weeping from all the laughter.
"MOM!" the girl exclaimed. "alright alright im leaving!" her mother laughs
While the girl still doesnt understand why she dreams dreams such as these, she is thankful for the escape from reality. A moment to forget what is goin on around her and to just remember.

Come Along with Me

Come along with me, to a familiar place. Let my words of memories invite you in like a warm fireplace on a cold winters day.
Let me show you the places and the people who have shaped the person i am. Let me guide you down every path that i know so well.
Take my hand and let me lead you to a place that captivates my every thought.
Its a hidden place, a beautiful place. A place that only if you know me, and trust me will you it find to be enchanting.
Lets walk down the back roads where the stories lie. Where everything about me is laid out for you to explore. For you to know who i really am.
It's not a place that many people know, but if you are willing, i wont leave anything out. I will take you there.
Let me show you my heart, and unfold for you the story of my life. Where my thoughts and hopes are held. Where my dreams are seeking to shine through.
Come along with me, to a familiar place.......

She Doesn't Tell You...

She doesn't tell you, but she wish you saw more in her than just the girl your with everyday.

She doesn't tell you, that even though she just cussed you she's now crying over it.

She doesn't tell you, that sometimes when you hold her she cringes at your touch because of the mistakes of others before you.

She doesn't tell you that behind that happy face she wears so well, she is actually hurting.

She doesn't tell you that when she avoids you, she really just wants to be noticed.

She doesn't tell you that when she walks away she wants you to run after her.

She doesn't tell you when you walk out the door how much she needs you to hold her right that second.

She doesn't tell you that she can be in crowd of people and still feel alone.

She doesn't tell you often enough that she loves you, but she does.

She doesn't tell you...But she wish you knew.

One Day

He saunters into the room and looks at her with eyes full of love. As she stares back at him she wonders how she has ever deserved such love and compassion.
She had been abused with words and so much more. She had made her share of mistakes. She had left hearts in the dust when she should have fought harder to keep them.
At times she didn't respect her body and therefore gave them free reign not to care either.
On more than one occasion she ignored the voice inside her telling her what she knew in her heart was the right thing to do.
She had tried to bury the anguish and hurt of those who had hurt her. But it always seemed to surface when she was alone.
Day after day she tried to keep up this facade. This face she seemed to wear so well.
Until one day. He paid attention to her. He cared and loved. He listened.
He didn't seem to want to hurt her like so many before. And it seemed for once that she was given a second chance at love. A chance that she wasn't going to waste.
He showed her a love that she had never seen before. A love that was indescribable.
She still has her fears, but she knows it will be ok. While she doesn't understand how she has come to deserve such a love, she knows that its real.

Hate

As she sat there watching them delicately shoving the food into their mouths, she wondered how they could have so much hate in their hearts.
How could they hate her so much when they didnt even take the time to get to know her?
They didnt know her dreams, her aspirations, her fears. They didnt know that some days she dreaded having them look at her the way they do. One glance in her direction made her feel worthless.
How could they hate her so much when she loved them so much. When she considered them friends?
They didnt know how much she cared for them, wanted to get to know them.
How could they hate her when they themselves had been called here. To this place that prided itself on loving your neighbor as yourself.
She loved them as if they were family, why did they hate her?
Wernt they suppossed to be the ones she shared her troubles and her joys with? Instead she worried what they would say about her next. What they would think next.
She wanted to be noticed, but not like this. Didnt they understand? Didnt they ever feel as if they were the only ones....
Some days it was as if she had to tip toe around them, not wanting them to look at her the way they do.
How could they hate her.......She didnt hate them.

Prayer

As she sat there with the tiny glass in one hand and thumbing the tiny cracker in her other hand she couldnt help but notice how beautifly the pianst filled up the santuary with the notes she was playing.She beguan to realize how everyone seemed to be in deep prayer.She never really prayed when taking communion, but she decided what the heck. "thank you Father," she thought to herself, "for the weather and the kids I got to teach today...and...for the beautiful music..." why did every prayer always have to sound so minmual to her? As she tried to keep prayin her mind begaun to wander, to remnise.
As she ran down the stairs the cold musty air of the basement greeted her, as it did every sunday. Something that wasnt welcomed, as she always seemd to get goosebumps.
"honey get the juice and bread out" her grandmother commanded.
She opened the fridge and pulled out a glass jar full of grape juice. Then opened the freezer and pulled out a small butter dish full of pie crust squares. Dorthey always made pie crust the day before for communion.
As she finished up dividing up the pie squares into the plates, she wiped flourey hands on her clean sunday gown. "Oh dont do that!" her grandmother scolded.
She always liked helping Gram get ready for communion. She felt a great importance in helping in such a task.
As they brought the sacrments upstairs they placed them on the table Gram showed her just how to unfold and fold the top cloth.
"thank you so much for being my helper" her grandmother exclaims as she gives her a smile of admiration.
As the now grown girl gets ready to take communion she cant help but wonder what happened to her prayer....

Gram's Lilac's

As hot make-up filled tears run down her flushed pale face, she remembers a time when it was just as hard, but she knew who she could count on.
"Mornin sugar," her grandmother greeted her. A large gray haired woman whose laughter could fill up a room. "Do you want some pancakes before we get ready for church?"
"Yes please" she replied with a huge grin. Grandma always made pancakes on Sundays, and sometimes if she got up early enough, Grandma would let her help.
"While your waiting why dont you go wake up your mama and see if she wants any, then go out and get some flowers to take to church."
"okay!"
As she skipped from the kitchen to the dinning room her cotton night gown swayed.
Mama slept on the couch, she didnt really like bedrooms for some reason. The young girl crouched down to wake mama up.
"mama, get up, grandma is getting pancakes ready, do you want some?"
"mmm" mama responded with sleep in her voice, "two please," was her answer. Always was, then she would go back to sleep until the pancakes were done.
As she went to get the flowers, she headed towards the back porch. It smelled of must and dirt. But the air outside was a sweet delight. It smelled of spring. Grandma had lots of flowers planted and the fragrant aroma was pleasing. So many flowers to choose from, but her favorites were always the lilacs. They shared a lilac bush with their neighbors, the Pace's. The color was always a vibrant shade of purple and the smell was undescribable.
As she was heading back into the house she stopped to say hello to her new puppy, Lady. Marge had given her the puppy, which was hard to do. Marge loved her dogs. So the young girl promised to take care of that puppy. And she did, she loved that dog more than anything in the world.
"ok, since you helped me make the mess, you can help me clean up!" Grandma said all too willingly.
The young girl hated dishes, it was the chore she dispised the most. She would much rather do laundry-at least you didnt get your hands all wrinkly!
Grandma was always so quick to get around, perhaps it was because the young girl loved to chatter her ear off.
Grandma was wearing a blue dress with a floral print. Grandma always wore dresses, unless it was cold out then she put pants on underneath.
The young girl wanted to wear blue too, so she put on her favorite blue velvet dress, one mama had gotten her for Easter one year.
As they drove to church Grandma would always sing. This particualar Sunday Grandma decided to sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," in German, it was the weirdst thing the young girl had ever heard!
They pulled up to the Manor House to see the Grandmothers friend Willa, a fragile old woman who had no eyesight. Altough she couldnt see them, you could always tell that Willa was glad to have them visit.
They got to church and Pastor Shawn greeted them at the door. He had a distinictive southern twang to his voice, that always made his listeners want to hear more. A tall man with dark hair, who was always exicited about God.
"Well good morin!" "How are ya all doin?!" He exclaimed, "real good," Grandma responded with a smile. The young girl just smiled as she clutched onto Gram, she was always too shy to talk to him;)
As Saundra sat down at the piano and beguan playing, the most beautiful sounds came out of that piano. Saundra was a talented lady when it came to music.
Grandma always sat in the front row, and usually Ione would sit behind her. A skinny grey haired lady with alot of spunk. The young girl would always snicker to herself, becuase it would always seem that Ione and Gram would try to out sing each other every Sunday. Ione with a fluent soprano voice and Gram with a deeper stronger voice. The young girl liked sitting next to Gram and sing, she felt safe enough to sing herself.
Next was the sermon, Pastor was always talking about hell fire and brimstone and how everyone needed to get out and evangelize. And every so often you would hear him belt out, "Amen brothers and sisters?!" The young girl liked that best.
On the Sundays mama didnt go to church, she would have dinner waiting for them when they walked in the door. That was nice, it was one of the few times they were all together as a family.
As she comes back to reality, she realizes they are just words on a page.

Summer

As she closes her eyes, all the sounds and smells come back to her as if she never left.
Mama is up on the porch with Aunt Rita, a hefty woman with hair as red as fire. They are just gabbin the day away like they do every weekend, waitin for Uncle Tony to get the grill going. Uncle Tony is a slender grey haired man, who always cares and always loves to laugh. He never really says much, but when he does, its pretty awesome. Robert and her brother are out back creating some type of havock. Toni Renee is out with her boyfriend and Jennifer and Amy are in the house.
The smell of the grill mixes with the other smells of summer and creates such an aroma, one that is unforgettable.
There's hamburgers and hotdogs, mac and cheese, and some type of vegatable, and always enough to go around.
Mama has been carrying her last baby for awhile now, and it seems to be the topic at hand.
As the small girl climes atop the cement post, Amy asks her and her brother, what do you want it to be, a boy or a girl?
"A girl," she replied with out hestitaion, "then i would have someone to play Barbies with." However her brother was quick to respond, "I want a little brother, we already have one girl!" As the adults snicker, Robert grabs the small boy and says, "come on, lets go play Nintendo." He didnt have to ask the boy twice;)
The small girl enjoys days like this, she feels like a grownup when she is around them.
Home is only like a block away, but it always seems like an adventure to get to come down to Aunt Rita's.
As mama grasps her two small children's hands, she yells over to Aunt Rita, "see you for church tomorrow."

Water

As her mama led her down the side aisle of the church, there he was. A tall hefty man with hair as dark as the night. To some he might have seemed scary, intdimating even, but to her he was simply a grown up child with a twinkle in his eye. As they approached him she threw her lengthy freckled arms around him. "Pastor Chuck!" she exclaimed. She was always happy to see him, he cared.
"Next Sunday is going to be a big day, are you ready?" he questioned with a firm yet caring tone. "yes!" she responded adamantly. "do you believe in the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit?" yes was always the answer, always had been, even if she didn't understand competley.
A week later she made her way to the front of the church with Marge, a tiny fragile women who had also decided to give over her life. Marge was a kind hearted woman, always willing to help anyone who needed her.
As she stepped into the water, it was quite warm to her shivering body. Dressed in nothing but a bathing suit and a tee, the water was very much welcomed.
As she stood waiting, watching Pastor give the introduction, she could feel her nerves all over the place. Like tiny butterflies in the pit of her stomach.
The sound of her name being spoken brought her back to reality...."are you ready?" yes she replied.
As she looked out into the congeration, there sat her mama with tears rolling down her face, she was so proud of her baby.
Once again he asked her the same question, "Do you believe in the father, son and the holy spirit?" yes she replied with a smile on her face.
As Pastor Chuck and Pastor Beal embraced her, she felt safe. Placing a hanky over her face she went under. It was an expericene she had never felt before. She didnt understand everything, but she knew she loved HIM and wanted to serve HIM for the rest of her life.
When she came back up Pastor said a few closing words and everyone stood and applauded. As they were getting ready for Marge, she stood and listened. Then her mama started usherin her to get changed. They got to the conference room and her mama stops, and embraces her saying, "baby im so proud of you, i love you so much."
As her mama ushers her out, she says, "hurry up they will want to see you" just at that instant she opens the door to arms that engulf the small girl.
Irene, a large woman with dark hair scoops up the girl and twirls her around and around, never once letting her touch the ground. Her laughter is bright and cherry, full of love, she exclaimes, "im soo proud of you!!"
As her life begins, what happens next is just a memory away.